grandmas 80

crazy ass show happened at the house on friday. dont member much. i do remember having a good timme. and drugs. and alcohol. i also remember silly little things that i am not proud of. people are strange and i act even stranger.

grannies 80th bday party went off without a hitch. had a panic attack in the car on the way. probs frm the sleep deprivation and booze. patron, baby, why do you do this? i love you. love me back.
we saw the slide show my sis put on a dvd of pics frm the past. pics of the past life i lived that hardly resembles any piece of me lately. an awkward teen. but yet smiles and hope of a future. some idea that i had that the world, my world, would get better on its own. like, i didn't have to try to make myself be anything, i was just going to become it.
i guess if i'd paid any attention in school or something i woulda realized it actually takes effort, work, like, hard work to be a little something or a little anything.
So grandmas 80 now and we raised our glasses 700 hundred times to congratulate her on making it this far. from a college degree at 42 to a electric wheelchair and a husbands death in between.and maybe when she walked colusa street in the 80s she had similar dreams of a future and never imagined a life of pills and cigs like mine and never pictured walkers or strokes, or slips on stairs. comfy shoes are priority and trips to the hairdresser are the highlight of a life. struggle to make it to the store. slight, and not quite right. harsh old people reality.

been sunny in california. making it ten times harder to move to portland in june. this past week i laid in the sun at parks 3 times and loved it more than most things i ever do. i felt alive and slightly happy. weird word "happy"...don't know much about it. i have been told i am actually really funny. that humor comes from some sort of attempt to seem normal. i heard a lot of bi-polars are totes funny. good at living life very normally, and being mostly crazy on the inside.

Steve (roommate) and Dana (my friend) said i looked happy for once in my life on friday at the show. and that i finally seemed satisfied. and of course. i wasnt. i was happy about some things. but sad it was over and that i didn't remember it. like...what, you wait for a night and get stoked and its ripped frm yer memory.

i had a wild night with a dude who has been previously in my bed and in my head. i guess its called "chicken head" when you go along with something that is dumb and wrong with a dude. tryin to grasp what i am doing about that. i change moment to moment. willing to get my heart kicked again? yah, i guess so. its a bikini kill song already. and probably a song i will write in the future.

i want it. feelin it.

ask for trouble. get a heap of it. step in it. and then wonder why you feel like shit.

tough shit girl.

i spent today going through all my grandmothers old photos with her. she told me who everyone was and where they were and when it happened and why. i have never quite understood my grandma. we are close but so very far apart in our own worlds and stuff. i lived with her for a while when i was younger, and i think if it weren't for that i wouldn't know her much at all. she doesnt get me or my life. and today i guess i found out that i don't get hers either. my sister told me that she just found out my gma tried to kill herself 3 times when she was younger. that is some heavy shit! especially cuz my grandfather killed himself.
makes me really feel like my insanity and shit is totally scary. i mean, i knew it ran in the fam...but i just felt it get serious inside of me. i don't wanna feel this way...is this how they felt? i mean...wtf?

up's and down's that i have found; that nothing can cure this cancer headache of self destruction and non-functioning of myself; being anything but not always negative sometimes a quite crazy positive that burns and eats and lives right here inside.

oh so long

been a while. not sure why exactly. its super sunny today which pretty much means GET OFF THE INTERNET!
lately my life is strange and dream like. smiles, and fun. high and happy. tattoo artists are hot. the end.