i spent today going through all my grandmothers old photos with her. she told me who everyone was and where they were and when it happened and why. i have never quite understood my grandma. we are close but so very far apart in our own worlds and stuff. i lived with her for a while when i was younger, and i think if it weren't for that i wouldn't know her much at all. she doesnt get me or my life. and today i guess i found out that i don't get hers either. my sister told me that she just found out my gma tried to kill herself 3 times when she was younger. that is some heavy shit! especially cuz my grandfather killed himself.
makes me really feel like my insanity and shit is totally scary. i mean, i knew it ran in the fam...but i just felt it get serious inside of me. i don't wanna feel this way...is this how they felt? i mean...wtf?
up's and down's that i have found; that nothing can cure this cancer headache of self destruction and non-functioning of myself; being anything but not always negative sometimes a quite crazy positive that burns and eats and lives right here inside.
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