i'll believe in anything, if you'll believe in anything

last night was totally intense. because of my everlasting glutton for punishment, i ended up somehow convincing myself that taking care of this trainwreck of a boy was going to make me feel better, like, i am totally a good friend and i dont need more. and yet, once it came down to it, and his gf was there and he wanted her so much more than me, it felt so much worse than you would ever imagine. tears were shed. whatta surprise!
and so, my obsession continues and my world shrinks smaller so that it becomes hard to avoid when i think i really should. moving on is becoming a task that i seem to be incapable of doing.

jessica said she couldn't understand why i couldn't just meet new people, find new friends, stop going to things that involve that crew. that idea just wasn't even an option for me. i have never really had many friends. i have never been popular and had party plans everyday or people who want to hangout with me all the time. i usually have 3 or 4 close friends at a time, which is fine, but this new world has been fun to be in and i am not ready to give it up. i don't think i should have to give that up because of my crazy head...i will continue to dwell and be dramatic no matter where and what scene i am in...that is just MOPO.

sometimes i wish i was stronger and more of a feminist and more of a level headed gal who wouldn't let no man treat her bad...have like, total girl power stuff and all. is that a lesbian? just kidding. i fail at most my attempts to be a righteous babe. besides my bikini kill, ani, sleater-kinney collections, i aint much of a riot gal.

i like to believe that my head will find its own way to sanity...but i know that is not how it works.

moving on without moving out...

escaping things would always seem like the easy way out. we can dodge bullets and avoid emotional situations by leaving town for a bit, or just moving the fuck away. I have nevr been able to do such things, because i get all scared of leaving the things that are normal and emotional. i think of all the things that will just go on without me. because no one will barely notice that i an not here.

oh, the sad sack of it all. i sound like the manual for depression...do you feel useless?

yes.

anyways, tonight i was just being my usual dramatic self and thinking about how much i care for the guy who doesnt care about me,,, and thinking about the fact that i actually love him. there was this whole denial deal that i was trying to cling to for all this time, and one time he asked me "you love me, don't you?" and i scoffed in such a way that i really believed i was being truthful in my answer "NO. HELL NO." and then tonight, it was this moment of...ummmmm, i do. fuuuckkkkkk.

and we all have been throwing around this word 'love' so much, us girls. i love him, no, i love him, no, now i love this other one....and we forget that love means that they feel it too. sorry, but none of us love no one yet...cuz we are just babies drowning in our kiddy pool of obsession and over reactions.

but today i was had finally admitted to my head and nancy, i think i actually adore this person that has shit on me, continued to shit on me, and proved to not love me in the slightest way.
what does that mean? hey brain..what is your deal? why this conclusion too little and wayyyy too late?
always been that insecure girl protecting things with all she got by denying anything that may seem real. and always regretting when the truth seeps out.

i text nancy "shit, i think i love him"

who knows what that means. but to me, right now? it means, that no matter what shit you shat, what rock you keep climbing under, what crap you throw at me, and what harsh reality you have right now...i care about you. not about sex. just about the fact that its you, and i give a super amount of shit about you.