moving on without moving out...

escaping things would always seem like the easy way out. we can dodge bullets and avoid emotional situations by leaving town for a bit, or just moving the fuck away. I have nevr been able to do such things, because i get all scared of leaving the things that are normal and emotional. i think of all the things that will just go on without me. because no one will barely notice that i an not here.

oh, the sad sack of it all. i sound like the manual for depression...do you feel useless?

yes.

anyways, tonight i was just being my usual dramatic self and thinking about how much i care for the guy who doesnt care about me,,, and thinking about the fact that i actually love him. there was this whole denial deal that i was trying to cling to for all this time, and one time he asked me "you love me, don't you?" and i scoffed in such a way that i really believed i was being truthful in my answer "NO. HELL NO." and then tonight, it was this moment of...ummmmm, i do. fuuuckkkkkk.

and we all have been throwing around this word 'love' so much, us girls. i love him, no, i love him, no, now i love this other one....and we forget that love means that they feel it too. sorry, but none of us love no one yet...cuz we are just babies drowning in our kiddy pool of obsession and over reactions.

but today i was had finally admitted to my head and nancy, i think i actually adore this person that has shit on me, continued to shit on me, and proved to not love me in the slightest way.
what does that mean? hey brain..what is your deal? why this conclusion too little and wayyyy too late?
always been that insecure girl protecting things with all she got by denying anything that may seem real. and always regretting when the truth seeps out.

i text nancy "shit, i think i love him"

who knows what that means. but to me, right now? it means, that no matter what shit you shat, what rock you keep climbing under, what crap you throw at me, and what harsh reality you have right now...i care about you. not about sex. just about the fact that its you, and i give a super amount of shit about you.