broken, and then some

boys just love games. its a pretty fucked up mentality to just continually fuck with peoples heads, but most boys...get off on it.

last night this dude who i was thinking was totally witty and sorta kinda cute was preoccupying my mind for once. keeping me blinded from the scene behind me which i am trying to move from(was doing quite well at that for a hot minute too!). and sure enough after my relentless flirting he takes me aside. and out it came "so, whats up with your friend?? she makes me really nervous. you think i have a chance?"

the forever battle. when you have a beautiful, hot, endearing, and humorous best friend that without a doubt is going to turn heads, stop traffic and steal attention from every boy in every room. i am hardly ever that girl unless its a room of gunthers, larrys, or uglies in general.

And I knew. I knew he wanted her. I also knew, he didn't have a shot. As most dudes don't, cause she can afford to be picky. And I let that poor sucker know it. "Not a chance."

About an hour passed and everyone was drunker and my heart was hurting because I knew my previous heartthrob was still somewhere NOT thinking about me, and this new one was next to me thinking about her and we were all on our own shitty planets wishing for things we weren't going to have.

And as usual we re-capped the night on the way home. Apparently, this boy had taken her aside and claimed he had a thing for ME. He got "nervous" and thought asking about her would make me jealous. He "thought i was seeing someone else" aka dude behind us.

What a game. what a sham! Not even have we began a single thing, and already i get yanked around. Let's just fuck with her. Let me make her jealous before I even know if she likes me? what kinda bull crap is that? I am gullible. I fall for lines. I fall for the insensitive shitheads who say things in drunken stuppers and does enough drugs to say sweet things every now and then. So perhaps this is the man for me.

But for once, as broken as i already am right now, i thought about it, and it was real. this was real. if this is the behavior of this turd after no real deal shit, no kisses, no hangouts, not even exchange of a number...then was the fuck is the point? Fall for one more jerk and fuck myself up again?

chasing my tail again. I have been having a great week. feeling good. confidence that i hadn't had in a while. and this didn't exactly ruin that. but it just reminded me, nothing falls in your lap. i invest too much of myself in finding attention of the perfect dude to hang with.

its not love i seek...it's just someone who is gunna get something that no one else seems to get and when we hangout it doesnt matter that other shit is going on around us cuz i'm there and all we need is to do to be entertained.

anyways. i just watched the sex in the city movie and was totally bummed that i am not rich. cuz money is the shit and i would really like to be a totally wealthy bitch who can swim in my pool of diamonds and have 7 ipods in various forms and a kitten ranch with a team of experts inventing jet packs on our acres of land and a babycham factory that hot mexicans work at. And i am pretty sure that money also buys love.

THE END.

mangled heart

it hurts because i believed in it. i believed in the UN-real, the fantasy. it was a 90s movie gone terribly wrong. people don't change, i don't think they were designed to change. change is just this abnormal thing that only occurs when you try desperately to make things interesting in your life, by fucking with everyone Else's.
i am not sure how long i am going to live these days, because i have never been happy in this life and i am no longer sure how to make it here. its not one thing, not one single thing that brought this morbid thought out of me... i can remember i have felt pain almost everyday..imbalance of chemicals in my brain. something has gone wrong and i am flailing around in my head trying to make some sense.

my friends were keeping me stable. keeping my mind preoccupied for moments at a time. i made my mom cry just seeing me this way. because we all always knew that i needed help. and i didnt want to be on medication for one reason or another. knew this was coming soon, just a matter of time. happened to be triggered by a silly thing that should have been a 6 month NOTHING.

ship wreaked on a mangled heart of an island that no longer holds room for one. unavailable for absorbing information because its painful and cruel. NO 'i told you so's' neccessary and no tissue for tears cuz i will be crazy for many more years.

this is where i will be someday:

the sweet escape from my little heart, finally at peace with you which is where i have wanted to be, where i have wanted to be all along, not at your side this time but just close enough to see over you, lines busy so i guess i'll hang up. i believe its time to give up on you. move from this little town to where i belong which should be with you but it not...and so i move...and i creep and i crawl...i walk over the history hills of us, climbing through my valleys of depression, tripping on what seems to be the only emotion about me that you have left. cuz you left. so fast. so quick and i am so sick of saying that to you, but i guess you know, cuz i know. dipping handfuls of trust into your bitter bag, emptying the pockets of music in my head, that music in my head, thats so close to dead...not knocking but believeing that i should because i dont want to be impolite to you, but i hate you, so i guess this doesnt matter. cuz you fuck, you are the fuck. which is just about everything i love about you.