mangled heart

it hurts because i believed in it. i believed in the UN-real, the fantasy. it was a 90s movie gone terribly wrong. people don't change, i don't think they were designed to change. change is just this abnormal thing that only occurs when you try desperately to make things interesting in your life, by fucking with everyone Else's.
i am not sure how long i am going to live these days, because i have never been happy in this life and i am no longer sure how to make it here. its not one thing, not one single thing that brought this morbid thought out of me... i can remember i have felt pain almost everyday..imbalance of chemicals in my brain. something has gone wrong and i am flailing around in my head trying to make some sense.

my friends were keeping me stable. keeping my mind preoccupied for moments at a time. i made my mom cry just seeing me this way. because we all always knew that i needed help. and i didnt want to be on medication for one reason or another. knew this was coming soon, just a matter of time. happened to be triggered by a silly thing that should have been a 6 month NOTHING.

ship wreaked on a mangled heart of an island that no longer holds room for one. unavailable for absorbing information because its painful and cruel. NO 'i told you so's' neccessary and no tissue for tears cuz i will be crazy for many more years.

this is where i will be someday:

the sweet escape from my little heart, finally at peace with you which is where i have wanted to be, where i have wanted to be all along, not at your side this time but just close enough to see over you, lines busy so i guess i'll hang up. i believe its time to give up on you. move from this little town to where i belong which should be with you but it not...and so i move...and i creep and i crawl...i walk over the history hills of us, climbing through my valleys of depression, tripping on what seems to be the only emotion about me that you have left. cuz you left. so fast. so quick and i am so sick of saying that to you, but i guess you know, cuz i know. dipping handfuls of trust into your bitter bag, emptying the pockets of music in my head, that music in my head, thats so close to dead...not knocking but believeing that i should because i dont want to be impolite to you, but i hate you, so i guess this doesnt matter. cuz you fuck, you are the fuck. which is just about everything i love about you.