i cant sleep. damn you 2pm double espresso. also stewing in my round about shady-ness. i guess i just keep diggin the hole (and the whole) deeper. cuz i fucked up and did bad things to make my permanent crush hurt. and then i did. hurt 2 people. and it sucks. and i regret it. and yet, i continued to do this. i wanted him to hurt like he'd been hurting me, and then i realized it doesnt work that way and i look like the asshole slut who just goes around doing people. but in reality i just pine after and go about it in ALL THE WRONG WAYS.
in other news:
my cat gained like 5 pounds.
i miss nancy.
i miss kadoodle.
i am lonely.
i have no hope for the future.
i have to work in 6 hours.
i drink too much and take pills and smoke.
i am sarcastic all the time.
oh, and i think i will never blog when i am happy. which is totes the tooth.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
i'll believe in anything, if you'll believe in anything
last night was totally intense. because of my everlasting glutton for punishment, i ended up somehow convincing myself that taking care of this trainwreck of a boy was going to make me feel better, like, i am totally a good friend and i dont need more. and yet, once it came down to it, and his gf was there and he wanted her so much more than me, it felt so much worse than you would ever imagine. tears were shed. whatta surprise!
and so, my obsession continues and my world shrinks smaller so that it becomes hard to avoid when i think i really should. moving on is becoming a task that i seem to be incapable of doing.
jessica said she couldn't understand why i couldn't just meet new people, find new friends, stop going to things that involve that crew. that idea just wasn't even an option for me. i have never really had many friends. i have never been popular and had party plans everyday or people who want to hangout with me all the time. i usually have 3 or 4 close friends at a time, which is fine, but this new world has been fun to be in and i am not ready to give it up. i don't think i should have to give that up because of my crazy head...i will continue to dwell and be dramatic no matter where and what scene i am in...that is just MOPO.
sometimes i wish i was stronger and more of a feminist and more of a level headed gal who wouldn't let no man treat her bad...have like, total girl power stuff and all. is that a lesbian? just kidding. i fail at most my attempts to be a righteous babe. besides my bikini kill, ani, sleater-kinney collections, i aint much of a riot gal.
i like to believe that my head will find its own way to sanity...but i know that is not how it works.
and so, my obsession continues and my world shrinks smaller so that it becomes hard to avoid when i think i really should. moving on is becoming a task that i seem to be incapable of doing.
jessica said she couldn't understand why i couldn't just meet new people, find new friends, stop going to things that involve that crew. that idea just wasn't even an option for me. i have never really had many friends. i have never been popular and had party plans everyday or people who want to hangout with me all the time. i usually have 3 or 4 close friends at a time, which is fine, but this new world has been fun to be in and i am not ready to give it up. i don't think i should have to give that up because of my crazy head...i will continue to dwell and be dramatic no matter where and what scene i am in...that is just MOPO.
sometimes i wish i was stronger and more of a feminist and more of a level headed gal who wouldn't let no man treat her bad...have like, total girl power stuff and all. is that a lesbian? just kidding. i fail at most my attempts to be a righteous babe. besides my bikini kill, ani, sleater-kinney collections, i aint much of a riot gal.
i like to believe that my head will find its own way to sanity...but i know that is not how it works.
Monday, September 6, 2010
moving on without moving out...
escaping things would always seem like the easy way out. we can dodge bullets and avoid emotional situations by leaving town for a bit, or just moving the fuck away. I have nevr been able to do such things, because i get all scared of leaving the things that are normal and emotional. i think of all the things that will just go on without me. because no one will barely notice that i an not here.
oh, the sad sack of it all. i sound like the manual for depression...do you feel useless?
yes.
anyways, tonight i was just being my usual dramatic self and thinking about how much i care for the guy who doesnt care about me,,, and thinking about the fact that i actually love him. there was this whole denial deal that i was trying to cling to for all this time, and one time he asked me "you love me, don't you?" and i scoffed in such a way that i really believed i was being truthful in my answer "NO. HELL NO." and then tonight, it was this moment of...ummmmm, i do. fuuuckkkkkk.
and we all have been throwing around this word 'love' so much, us girls. i love him, no, i love him, no, now i love this other one....and we forget that love means that they feel it too. sorry, but none of us love no one yet...cuz we are just babies drowning in our kiddy pool of obsession and over reactions.
but today i was had finally admitted to my head and nancy, i think i actually adore this person that has shit on me, continued to shit on me, and proved to not love me in the slightest way.
what does that mean? hey brain..what is your deal? why this conclusion too little and wayyyy too late?
always been that insecure girl protecting things with all she got by denying anything that may seem real. and always regretting when the truth seeps out.
i text nancy "shit, i think i love him"
who knows what that means. but to me, right now? it means, that no matter what shit you shat, what rock you keep climbing under, what crap you throw at me, and what harsh reality you have right now...i care about you. not about sex. just about the fact that its you, and i give a super amount of shit about you.
oh, the sad sack of it all. i sound like the manual for depression...do you feel useless?
yes.
anyways, tonight i was just being my usual dramatic self and thinking about how much i care for the guy who doesnt care about me,,, and thinking about the fact that i actually love him. there was this whole denial deal that i was trying to cling to for all this time, and one time he asked me "you love me, don't you?" and i scoffed in such a way that i really believed i was being truthful in my answer "NO. HELL NO." and then tonight, it was this moment of...ummmmm, i do. fuuuckkkkkk.
and we all have been throwing around this word 'love' so much, us girls. i love him, no, i love him, no, now i love this other one....and we forget that love means that they feel it too. sorry, but none of us love no one yet...cuz we are just babies drowning in our kiddy pool of obsession and over reactions.
but today i was had finally admitted to my head and nancy, i think i actually adore this person that has shit on me, continued to shit on me, and proved to not love me in the slightest way.
what does that mean? hey brain..what is your deal? why this conclusion too little and wayyyy too late?
always been that insecure girl protecting things with all she got by denying anything that may seem real. and always regretting when the truth seeps out.
i text nancy "shit, i think i love him"
who knows what that means. but to me, right now? it means, that no matter what shit you shat, what rock you keep climbing under, what crap you throw at me, and what harsh reality you have right now...i care about you. not about sex. just about the fact that its you, and i give a super amount of shit about you.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
broken, and then some
boys just love games. its a pretty fucked up mentality to just continually fuck with peoples heads, but most boys...get off on it.
last night this dude who i was thinking was totally witty and sorta kinda cute was preoccupying my mind for once. keeping me blinded from the scene behind me which i am trying to move from(was doing quite well at that for a hot minute too!). and sure enough after my relentless flirting he takes me aside. and out it came "so, whats up with your friend?? she makes me really nervous. you think i have a chance?"
the forever battle. when you have a beautiful, hot, endearing, and humorous best friend that without a doubt is going to turn heads, stop traffic and steal attention from every boy in every room. i am hardly ever that girl unless its a room of gunthers, larrys, or uglies in general.
And I knew. I knew he wanted her. I also knew, he didn't have a shot. As most dudes don't, cause she can afford to be picky. And I let that poor sucker know it. "Not a chance."
About an hour passed and everyone was drunker and my heart was hurting because I knew my previous heartthrob was still somewhere NOT thinking about me, and this new one was next to me thinking about her and we were all on our own shitty planets wishing for things we weren't going to have.
And as usual we re-capped the night on the way home. Apparently, this boy had taken her aside and claimed he had a thing for ME. He got "nervous" and thought asking about her would make me jealous. He "thought i was seeing someone else" aka dude behind us.
What a game. what a sham! Not even have we began a single thing, and already i get yanked around. Let's just fuck with her. Let me make her jealous before I even know if she likes me? what kinda bull crap is that? I am gullible. I fall for lines. I fall for the insensitive shitheads who say things in drunken stuppers and does enough drugs to say sweet things every now and then. So perhaps this is the man for me.
But for once, as broken as i already am right now, i thought about it, and it was real. this was real. if this is the behavior of this turd after no real deal shit, no kisses, no hangouts, not even exchange of a number...then was the fuck is the point? Fall for one more jerk and fuck myself up again?
chasing my tail again. I have been having a great week. feeling good. confidence that i hadn't had in a while. and this didn't exactly ruin that. but it just reminded me, nothing falls in your lap. i invest too much of myself in finding attention of the perfect dude to hang with.
its not love i seek...it's just someone who is gunna get something that no one else seems to get and when we hangout it doesnt matter that other shit is going on around us cuz i'm there and all we need is to do to be entertained.
anyways. i just watched the sex in the city movie and was totally bummed that i am not rich. cuz money is the shit and i would really like to be a totally wealthy bitch who can swim in my pool of diamonds and have 7 ipods in various forms and a kitten ranch with a team of experts inventing jet packs on our acres of land and a babycham factory that hot mexicans work at. And i am pretty sure that money also buys love.
THE END.
last night this dude who i was thinking was totally witty and sorta kinda cute was preoccupying my mind for once. keeping me blinded from the scene behind me which i am trying to move from(was doing quite well at that for a hot minute too!). and sure enough after my relentless flirting he takes me aside. and out it came "so, whats up with your friend?? she makes me really nervous. you think i have a chance?"
the forever battle. when you have a beautiful, hot, endearing, and humorous best friend that without a doubt is going to turn heads, stop traffic and steal attention from every boy in every room. i am hardly ever that girl unless its a room of gunthers, larrys, or uglies in general.
And I knew. I knew he wanted her. I also knew, he didn't have a shot. As most dudes don't, cause she can afford to be picky. And I let that poor sucker know it. "Not a chance."
About an hour passed and everyone was drunker and my heart was hurting because I knew my previous heartthrob was still somewhere NOT thinking about me, and this new one was next to me thinking about her and we were all on our own shitty planets wishing for things we weren't going to have.
And as usual we re-capped the night on the way home. Apparently, this boy had taken her aside and claimed he had a thing for ME. He got "nervous" and thought asking about her would make me jealous. He "thought i was seeing someone else" aka dude behind us.
What a game. what a sham! Not even have we began a single thing, and already i get yanked around. Let's just fuck with her. Let me make her jealous before I even know if she likes me? what kinda bull crap is that? I am gullible. I fall for lines. I fall for the insensitive shitheads who say things in drunken stuppers and does enough drugs to say sweet things every now and then. So perhaps this is the man for me.
But for once, as broken as i already am right now, i thought about it, and it was real. this was real. if this is the behavior of this turd after no real deal shit, no kisses, no hangouts, not even exchange of a number...then was the fuck is the point? Fall for one more jerk and fuck myself up again?
chasing my tail again. I have been having a great week. feeling good. confidence that i hadn't had in a while. and this didn't exactly ruin that. but it just reminded me, nothing falls in your lap. i invest too much of myself in finding attention of the perfect dude to hang with.
its not love i seek...it's just someone who is gunna get something that no one else seems to get and when we hangout it doesnt matter that other shit is going on around us cuz i'm there and all we need is to do to be entertained.
anyways. i just watched the sex in the city movie and was totally bummed that i am not rich. cuz money is the shit and i would really like to be a totally wealthy bitch who can swim in my pool of diamonds and have 7 ipods in various forms and a kitten ranch with a team of experts inventing jet packs on our acres of land and a babycham factory that hot mexicans work at. And i am pretty sure that money also buys love.
THE END.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
mangled heart
it hurts because i believed in it. i believed in the UN-real, the fantasy. it was a 90s movie gone terribly wrong. people don't change, i don't think they were designed to change. change is just this abnormal thing that only occurs when you try desperately to make things interesting in your life, by fucking with everyone Else's.
i am not sure how long i am going to live these days, because i have never been happy in this life and i am no longer sure how to make it here. its not one thing, not one single thing that brought this morbid thought out of me... i can remember i have felt pain almost everyday..imbalance of chemicals in my brain. something has gone wrong and i am flailing around in my head trying to make some sense.
my friends were keeping me stable. keeping my mind preoccupied for moments at a time. i made my mom cry just seeing me this way. because we all always knew that i needed help. and i didnt want to be on medication for one reason or another. knew this was coming soon, just a matter of time. happened to be triggered by a silly thing that should have been a 6 month NOTHING.
ship wreaked on a mangled heart of an island that no longer holds room for one. unavailable for absorbing information because its painful and cruel. NO 'i told you so's' neccessary and no tissue for tears cuz i will be crazy for many more years.
this is where i will be someday:
the sweet escape from my little heart, finally at peace with you which is where i have wanted to be, where i have wanted to be all along, not at your side this time but just close enough to see over you, lines busy so i guess i'll hang up. i believe its time to give up on you. move from this little town to where i belong which should be with you but it not...and so i move...and i creep and i crawl...i walk over the history hills of us, climbing through my valleys of depression, tripping on what seems to be the only emotion about me that you have left. cuz you left. so fast. so quick and i am so sick of saying that to you, but i guess you know, cuz i know. dipping handfuls of trust into your bitter bag, emptying the pockets of music in my head, that music in my head, thats so close to dead...not knocking but believeing that i should because i dont want to be impolite to you, but i hate you, so i guess this doesnt matter. cuz you fuck, you are the fuck. which is just about everything i love about you.
i am not sure how long i am going to live these days, because i have never been happy in this life and i am no longer sure how to make it here. its not one thing, not one single thing that brought this morbid thought out of me... i can remember i have felt pain almost everyday..imbalance of chemicals in my brain. something has gone wrong and i am flailing around in my head trying to make some sense.
my friends were keeping me stable. keeping my mind preoccupied for moments at a time. i made my mom cry just seeing me this way. because we all always knew that i needed help. and i didnt want to be on medication for one reason or another. knew this was coming soon, just a matter of time. happened to be triggered by a silly thing that should have been a 6 month NOTHING.
ship wreaked on a mangled heart of an island that no longer holds room for one. unavailable for absorbing information because its painful and cruel. NO 'i told you so's' neccessary and no tissue for tears cuz i will be crazy for many more years.
this is where i will be someday:
the sweet escape from my little heart, finally at peace with you which is where i have wanted to be, where i have wanted to be all along, not at your side this time but just close enough to see over you, lines busy so i guess i'll hang up. i believe its time to give up on you. move from this little town to where i belong which should be with you but it not...and so i move...and i creep and i crawl...i walk over the history hills of us, climbing through my valleys of depression, tripping on what seems to be the only emotion about me that you have left. cuz you left. so fast. so quick and i am so sick of saying that to you, but i guess you know, cuz i know. dipping handfuls of trust into your bitter bag, emptying the pockets of music in my head, that music in my head, thats so close to dead...not knocking but believeing that i should because i dont want to be impolite to you, but i hate you, so i guess this doesnt matter. cuz you fuck, you are the fuck. which is just about everything i love about you.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
the other side of one sided.
this frog is a permanent resident in my throat. i feel dizzy everyday. i am not sure of anything except that i am feeling somethings. and these little things that are making this heart throb are sorta blowing my mind. i am 25. that means i have been crazy for 25 years. i watch people dance with a serious smirk that i am aware of. a face that i make that i have been told looks "sad, mad or bored". but i am takin it in. watching the people live the way i am not living. and i live in my head and they in theirs and that is why i watch them. perhaps in envy..or not. some of them i watch and think 'how do they live this way?' or 'why can't i live that way?'
everything has always been serious. i am a un-light hearted human with nothing but pure un-light thoughts and always try to think about the other side to my one-sided thoughts, which is why i can never make decisions, because i run my head around in football fields of circles.
sugar is what should make me sweet, but boys always seem to make me sweeter.
everything has always been serious. i am a un-light hearted human with nothing but pure un-light thoughts and always try to think about the other side to my one-sided thoughts, which is why i can never make decisions, because i run my head around in football fields of circles.
sugar is what should make me sweet, but boys always seem to make me sweeter.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
when i look up..
things look up every now and then. mostly these ups come about when a cute boy does something nice or money comes my way or something silly.
its a little boost that just makes me happy for a few moments. and i love those moments. cuz happiness is weird.
a good song can do it. can make me so stoked and happy and high on life.
today after work all i wanted was a bed, cuz i only got 1 hour of sleep last night.after a nap i woke up feeling content...rare...i know...such a sack all the time.
its a little boost that just makes me happy for a few moments. and i love those moments. cuz happiness is weird.
a good song can do it. can make me so stoked and happy and high on life.
today after work all i wanted was a bed, cuz i only got 1 hour of sleep last night.after a nap i woke up feeling content...rare...i know...such a sack all the time.
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