crippled.

I am depressed 95% of the time. It gets worse when I am hungover or something silly seeps into my brain and I freak out....monumentally. i don't want to live this life, but it's the unfortunate truth. I am a complete nut job. CRAZY. I over analyze, I am a hypocondriac, and I have anxiety and panic.
I am just like the rest of the shitty world. I am selfish. i dont think about anything but what i want and when i want it and who i want it with. i dwell on bitty things. like silly stupid nit picky things.
therefore i hide in my room till i can bare to exist again.
Gee, and I wonder why i can't get the dudes i want....probs cuz i am totally bananas.
-B-A-N-A-N-A-S! (sorry, habit of referencing Gwen Stefani, yeah, that's right).
I sound like a belly aching teen going thru some sort of silly phase. And I wish this was the case. I thought I would grow out of being a bitchy jaded fuck, but instead it has intensified and morphed into a battle with crippling depression. When I have fun and get happy it's great, and its short lived. I want to be happy and normal all the time, but it's not a reality.
Right now it's a boy. Which is often times the case, because my head is quite obsessive and i cant stop thinking about it. It's not about "HIM", it never is. And I usually get over it pretty quick and dwell on the next flavor of the week. But today its this one asshole who has made his feelings QUITE clear, and yet, it makes me more into it. i love when they are jerks. its really wrong. i should really get over that shit.
I dropped out of school, I guess. just to add another failure to my list. Ha. I am so self depricating on this thing, it's starting to get stupid.
maybe I should come back to this when i am not so bitter that i want to die. that might be a better plan.

why i gotta be so serious all the time? i should just wing it...go with the flow, let it go, chill out, not care!!
COME ON BRAIN, PLEASE?