this time, next year....

When I think about moving to Portland JUNE 1st, then it becomes a game of trying to not make plans for July (my bday month) or for 9-02-10 (best day ever). I think "but this time, next year, I might be gone."

It really shouldn't be this tough. Or complicated. And I think if I hadn't met Jessica, moved in this house, or started hanging with Lyssandra a lot I would have been gone already. It's within this past year that my life took a turn to fun. And yet a lot of my depression came with me.

Last night I dropped all my school classes. Then added them again. This shows you....I can not make firm decisions. I don't mind blowing it, but I don't want to completely blow it. I care about what my family thinks of my life. I mean, my "life". If you can call it that. I keep a lot of secrets from them, because I don't want to be judged on my failure and total fuck-up status.

Sunday was a night that I, as usual, blew it. I went to Gabes house. With full intentions to have 2 beers and drop off his silly bday present. I was mad at him, and wanted to get out of there without a chip on my shoulder, for once. I was supposed to work at 7am Monday morning. What do I do instead? Hangout with him till 2:30am, then take him home and stay up till 4 and then call in sick cuz I felt sick from not sleeping. I wasn't drunk, so it can't be blamed on that. It's like my brain knows I SUCK AT LIFE, but my heart wants me to still live this way.
I am starting to think that BOYS leads the march toward my shitty ways. Because I often times get into this trouble with BOYS.

Those Fuckers. Boys. Dudes. Bros. Men. Males. I know we are from other planets and everything, but I really ain't tryin to understand boys. I never will. Fine. But does that mean I am doomed to loneliness? I haven't had an actual boyfriend for 5 years!! Which started out being totally awesome. Especially cuz of my fear of commitment! i really wasn't tryn to look for one. But the past year has been a rough one. All the sudden, I found that everyone had someone (or someoneS) and I was constantly alone. And of course the non-getting-laid factored in too. fuck all that. But it just dawned on me one day, I want a boyfriend. AND since I am a perfectionist I will nit pic all their flaws till i find the absolute right guy. Or go ahead with my usual theme of picking ASSHOLES who are total DICKS to me and emotionally unavailable. That's always a good plan.
In the mean time, when anything bad happens to me I vow to move to Portland. yesterday was a zinger. I called in, like a jerk and got dissed, yet again, by a stupid duder. I need a lobotomy. ASAP.